Dec 1, 2012

Well this explains a lot.....

I followed a link to a blog article today that clears a lot of things up for me about my life in late 2006, all of 2007, half of 2008 and a few blips all the way into 2011.  For those just joining the show, during his first major manic phase, Justin had a brief affair.  When he came down from the mania, he realized what he was doing and broke it off.  Except the woman wouldn't allow it, and continued to lie and do anything she could to keep him in contact with her, up to and including a fake pregnancy.  She told enough lies that he was busted by the Air Force, and continued to tell lie after lie after lie, all the while harassing my family.  During that time period the tires on my car were slashed twice.  I was answering my doorbell to find no one there, phone calls where people hung up (and these happened ONLY during this time period).  Friends were questioned as to where my husband was.  It got so bad, my husband was afraid to leave the house, in the event she cornered him somewhere (she lived the next street over).  How do we know this?  She was stupid enough to email him and tell him she lied and did some of these things.  We have phone records of her calls.  I have a stack of information an inch and half thick.  The emails from her continued until 2010/2011, after we'd moved across the ocean.

But this is 2012.  This all happened years ago.  Why am I rehashing it now?  An internet friend is having a very difficult time with her soon-to-be-ex-husband.  Harassment, lies, even physical violence.  Now Justin's stalker wasn't nearly to the level of this guy, thank goodness.  But for a very long time, I've been wondering how someone who claimed to love someone, as she claimed to love Justin, could do so many things to hurt them and the people they love.  She was horrible.  She gave no fucks about me, no fucks about my children, no fucks about anyone but herself.  She expected everyone to give a fuck about her, though.  The cognitive dissonance was astounding.  

Then someone posted the link to this blog post by a psychologist, The Vindictive Narcissist.  A lightbulb clicked.  This is her.  This is the woman who tried desperately to destroy my family.  This paragraph, in particular, stood out to me:

"Unlike you and me, however, he can’t tolerate such painful humiliation, not even for a second, and revenge fantasies are not enough. He experiences the continuing reality of a woman who rejected him as a continual threat, a constant assault upon his ideal self-image; as a result, his defenses remain on continual alert against it. At the least provocation — that is, whenever shame threatens to emerge — he will viciously strike out, like a snake assaulting its prey."

This was the answer I needed.  You see, she was trying to build a reputation as a Christian singer.  She had gone to a CHristian college, sang at her church, and was all SOOOOOPERCHRISTIANJESUSFUCKYEAH!!

Small problem- GOOD Christian women don't have affairs while their husband is deployed to Iraq.  GOOD Christian women don't try to convince another man to leave his family.  GOOD Christian women are victims of the evil men, who make them do these things.  There's also the fact the she sees herself as beautiful and talented and wanted by everyone.  The very thought that she might not be these things was inconceivable for her.  Hence the lies.  The stalking.  The harassment.  Every time she emailed or called, Justin reported it to his command, who called her husband and told him to have her knock it off.  Which led to another email.  Which led to Justin telling his command.  Wash, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.  She somehow managed to convince her husband of it, which just goes to prove how smart he isn't.  To this day, I bet if you asked her, she'd tell she never did any of that, that she was the victim, that she's a Good Christian (TM) who was soooooo injured.  

You may also ask, why do you keep the records?  I keep them because they're proof.  I don't believe for one second that she will keep herself out of our lives forever.  She'll have something happen, another break, another something, and she'll lash out and we'll be the target.  Or she'll do something similar to someone else.  Because she can't help herself.  

"Since such people have almost no interest in or capacity for change, the best you can do is stay clear of them, just the way you’d avoid a snake if it happened to cross your path."

And that's what we're doing.  She's a snake.  A charming, fakely empathetic snake.  And beyond keeping my family out of her path, I have no fucks to give about her.  This blog post was that lightbulb that nothing I or Justin did would have stopped her from being as hurtful as possible.  She tried to drive us apart, not knowing that's an almost impossible task.  And we're still together, stronger than ever, and even more importantly, happy.

(And no, I'm not naming her here.  I've talked about her before.  If you're that interested, you'll figure it out.)  

1 comment:

Nina said...

You’re so awesome, you deserve an award! A Liebster, no less.