May 23, 2012

How to Remove Earwax

I had to go find this blog (on MySpace-OMG!) from 4 years ago for Amber. We were telling her about another of Justin's adventures, this time when he had a lump of wax in his ear that had to be removed RIGHT NOW.

And now I present How to Remove Earwax

First, poke at it a while. Then pour some olive oil into your ear. Yell to your SO that you need the paper towels you bought earlier that are still in the car. Wait over the kitchen sink with oil dripping from your ear while they go get them.

When you've mopped up the oil puddle, have the SO look up earwax removal on the internet. Let them read through most of the Google results, making sure they pay close atention to "earwax in whales" (National Geographic really needs to do a piece on this....).

While they're enthralled by whale earwax, dig through the bathroom cabinets until you come up with a baby snot sucker and a medicine syringe covered in dust. Pretend you're MacGyver.

Run the water in the sink until it's about the temperature of liquid, hot magma. Fill the aforementioned syringe and have your SO squirt it into the ear at supersonic speed, almost puncturing your eardrum. Repeat a few times until you feel dizzy. Then have the SO look into your ear with a flashlight to ascertain that the earwax lump is indeed still there and is quite large.

Hold onto the sink while you almost fall over.

Go back to Wikipedia and see what they say. Find out that the water should have been at body temperature, as too warm or too cold will cause dizziness. But a solution of vinegar and water should do the trick. SO will probably abandon you at this point, since they feel the dr really should be the one doing this.

Discover that while there's no white vinegar, you have apple cider vinegar. It's all vinegar, right? And vinegar also has water in it, so it should be fine right out of the bottle.

Fill the syringe now that it's cooled with apple cider vinegar. Squirt it into your ear.

Enjoy the cool sensation until the vinegar BURNS THE HAIR RIGHT OUT OF YOUR EAR and SETS YOUR BRAIN ON FIRE. Make sure your SO hears your screams.

Call your mother after the pain resides and your brain doesn't burn. Find out eventually (after she falls down laughing and pees her pants) that apple cider vinegar is NOT the same as white vinegar. It's stronger, about a 5% solution while the white is 3%. And the 3% solution should be diluted at least half and half when used for earwax removal. And stores sells kits for this exact purpose.

But damn if that earwax isn't out of your ear.  

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