Dec 30, 2009

Resolution time!

Or something.  I normally don't make resolutions.  I think they're kind of dumb.  Life can change in a year, and the things you thought you wanted when the year started may be wildly different than what you want at the end.  Or you may get so focused on meeting a particular goal that you ignore what's happening around you.  It's ridiculous really.

So here are my not- resolutions.

1-  Work on the felted vessel/cyanotypes and cyanotype prints on yarn instead of thinking about it.  I've been mulling it for a while, and think I have a concept down.  I just need to actually make something.

2-  Knit 5 sweaters and a couple shawls. The sweaters I have planned are Lancia's (to be finished first), Cat Barf, another Featherweight, Tempest and maybe Central Park Hoodie.  I need one to use up the school bus yellow yarn.  For the shawls it's Traveling Woman and Bitterroot.  And finishing Tuscany.  I have, or have coming, the yarn for everything.  So I guess a sub-not-resolution is to cut down the yarn buying.  I spent a bunch this year and don't really need more.

3-  Spin more.  I want to get through at least the stuff I got at Rhinebeck.  I should pull out the wheel and use that, but I really love the way a spindle feels.

4-  Actually exercise.  This will likely be the hardest, as the above three are way more fun.  :p  I need to drop some weight and get back in shape.

And that's about it.  I'll give you an update in a few months so we can see how it's all going.  I'm sure the knitting will be coming along splendidly.  The rest?  Eh- maybe not so much.

Dec 28, 2009

Holy shit.

I just paid off my Discover card.  Completely.  And I plan on keeping it that way for a very long ass time.  The only reason I'd use it is if I had the money to pay it off again right away or we had an emergency that we couldn't use the savings account for.

It's a damn fine feeling.  I realized that we were finally able to do it when it occurred to me that we hadn't had to dip into the savings for anything over the last 6 months or so.  We have more than enough money every month to buy everything we need and a lot of what we want.  There was plenty in the account to pay off the credit card and still have a decent cushion.  Plus, with tax time coming up, we can put that money right back where it belongs when we get our refund.  In a couple months it'll be like I never took that money out at all.  And I just couldn't stomach paying as much as we were in finance charges when we had the funds available to NOT have to pay them.  The interest difference between what we earn with the money in savings and what we'll save from paying those soul sucking finance charges.

Of course, we won't see the money for a while.  I immediately took what we were paying and re-routed it to the Star card, which has less than half the interest rate, and a low balance.  Hell, maybe I'll just pay off the Star card with the tax return and put ALL the money towards the small loan we've got (or split it between savings and the loan).  I'd love to be almost debt free (with just the car payment) by the time we leave here.

Dec 27, 2009

Feats of strength and the airing of grievances!

Fixed the last post.  Sorry if you couldn't read it.  I have no idea why it disappeared (I tried to embed a video- maybe that was it?), since the text was there, or why it's green now.  I'm not gonna complain, though.  It's there and readable.

So, Festivus!

Giftmess was pretty good around here.  I got some great presents and some odd ones.  Justin got me a new spindle- a Golding .54 oz in ebony- and a pretty, pretty ring.  He also got me a mess of shirts, some of which need to go back for various reasons. My MIL sent a check, $100 of which is mine, so I think I may splurge and finally buy some yarn from The Sanguine Gryphon.  Her stuff is absolutely gorgeous, and named after literary and cerebral things.  Super cool on all accounts.  You've already gotten the run down on what the girls and Justin got.  I added a Playboy subscription and Jameson's gift set to Justin's presents.  He was completely surprised with the Playboy.  He had asked about getting a new subscription a few days before Giftmess and I just told him I'd see if Amazon was still running the deal they did last year.  Never mind I'd already ordered it from the PB website so he could get the DVD.  Free p0rn, yay!  The girls got a last minute addition of Ravin' Rabbids TV Party and new controller/nunchuck.

We had most of our friends over for dinner.  I finally got my goddamn leftovers.  :D  One of Justin's airmen came over and was an ungrateful little snot.  I was ready to take back the Gamestop gift card we'd gotten him.  Then we had a new neighbor and her son came over for dessert and I was less than impressed.  It took for-fucking-ever for her to go home.  It was almost 9pm when she left, my kids had gone to bed long before and her 4yo kept trying to go wake them up.  WTF??  WHen she finally left, Dave and I drank the homemade Irish cream my friend Mandy made and the boys (Travis, Dave and Justin) played CoD:MW2 and Borderlands while I worked on getting my silk cap ready to spin.  Amber even came back over for a little while .  All in all, a good Giftmess.  :D

Yesterday was the wedding.  It was good.  Super relaxed.  I got there around 11, shot about 3 cards of photos, ate some damn fine kalua pig and cake and was home by 5.  I have to upload everything this week and cull and edit, but I think it was a really nice shoot.  I'll likely be doing their album as well, so I need to come up with a price list.

New Year's this week, and I don't think we're doing a damn thing.  Maybe going to one of Justin's co-worker's, so we can take the girls.  Or maybe staying home.  Dunno.  I do know I'm planning on gorging this week, since I seriously need to drop some weight.  I'll be one of those suckers heading to the gym after New Year's.......

Dec 24, 2009


"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

I saw this quote on a friend's FB status today and thought about how oddly appropriate it is.  I've known WAY too many people who claim to know what God wants them to do, and yet, it's not even close to what the Bible, the book they supposedly follow, tells them to do.  

It's kind of odd this quote comes up now, too.  Justin and I have been looking at the Quakers a lot recently, even to the point where we may go to a Meeting.  Now before you freak out and wonder what the hell has happened to me, let me explain.  I'm not becoming a Christian all of a sudden.  You don't have to be a Christian to be a Quaker.  Any Meeting we went to would have to be a (very) liberal Meeting.  As far as I've read, you don't have to accept Jesus as the son of God, The Spirit On Earth, and your Lord and Savior.  You simply need to believe he existed in a historic context.  I think I can do that, and honestly, that's as far as I think I can go.  I'm sure there was a guy (or guys, or guys and gals) who did a lot of the stuff the Bible claims Jesus did and said at some point in the distant past.  Beyond that, there's just not enough evidence.  One book that has been translated and retranslated over the past almost 2000 years and most of which wasn't written till at best 100 years after Jesus died is not a credible source.  Single source analysis is faulty and wrong.  There's no record of him outside the Bible.  (Accept it, people.)  

So why the Quakers?  I'm not sure.  Maybe because I see them as the Western form of Buddhism?  They're a very thinking sort of group.  I've also found that most of the people I really admire from history are Quakers.  They value personhood, and finding your own path over what other people tell you to be.....  and for those of you who know me well, you know I do what I want when I want and if I'm hell bent, there's not much chance of stopping me- only delaying while I find a way around you.  They value personal reflection and silence in worship (gah, that word gives me the willies- fucking fundies and their horrid use of it.  They've tainted that word forever).  I absolutely despise big, loud organized church sermons.  Hate them.  I've always felt that God knows what's in your heart.  You don't need an intermediary, or someone to tell you what he thinks today.  I'm perfectly capable of reading, thanks, and if I want to look something up in the Bible (no it really doesn't happen- I generally ask Justin.  He's a font of knowledge- I'm also lazy.  You all know that.  Plus he has the Bible practically memorized.), I can do it on my own.  I don't need someone else's interpretation coloring mine till I'm ready to ask an opinion. 

Then there's the social justice and pacifism aspect.  Quakers fight for equality.  Period.  It goes with the concept of personhood.  Since I'm a little commie at heart (seriously), it appeals to me.  I also don't care for unnecessary violence.  I know that sounds weird, since I have, in fact, threatened to rip people's heads off.  But if you think about it, it's always someone who's harmed me first, and it's always equitable.  I don't take it to scorched earth unless the situation warrants.  That may be outside the Quaker philosophy, but hey....  we all have our crosses, right?  

So there you go.  I'm not quite as ready as Justin to go to Meeting, but I think I want to read more about it and see what it's all about.  It's as worthy as any other religion, and much more worthy than many others I can think of *cough*fundies*cough*eveangelicals*cough*.  

Dec 16, 2009


Sometimes I amaze myself with my photo prowess.

This is just one of many of my friends Doug and Angela.  I did their engagement photos up in Haleiwa this past weekend.  It was a weird cloudy/sunny day, so getting the right exposure was a bitch, which made me nervous.....  there are a few I'll need to do some creative editing with, but mostly they were awesome.  More culling and editing over the next few days......  then you get to see them all.  ;)

Dec 1, 2009

Christmas shopping is almost done....

And I just started today.  :)

Justin had today off, so we took the day to get some of the girls' presents.  Both girls got new bikes.  They have been asking for them and we hit a good deal at the BX.  Maddie is also getting a real digital camera.  We were in the NEX looking at video games and stuff and came across a Fuji package deal with the camera, a case and the memory card for only $80.  And it's a nice camera!  We picked up a puzzle and a game as a joint gift (they like things they can do together), and a couple books for Maddie.  She's been into the Fablehaven series, so we got her the next two.  Plus they're 25% at the NEX.  Nice.

Em says she wants the Glow Station.  It's a glow in the dark coloring board.  It looks pretty neat.  I'm also thinking about getting her a box of paper and more markers and stuff.  She's always asking for printer paper and drawing pictures.  She carries her Magna Doodle everywhere.  She would love having a box of paper she didn't have to ask if she could use.

As for Justin, I think he's getting the new Barnes and Noble Nook.  He wanted a Kindle, but we looked at both of them and I think the Nook is the way to go.  It's got a color screen, memory expansion with a MicroSD, and more books available.  It's the same price as the Kindle, too.  Only problem is, it doesn't come out till Jan 11.  :(  So he'll get a couple other things so he's not all mopey on Christmas morning.

I have no idea what he's getting me.  I've put a bunch of stuff on my wishlist.  I've got money from his mom, so I may buy myself another spindle.  I haven't decided yet.

Nov 29, 2009

Octopuses usually don't wear socks

I have finished Socktopus.  I was up till about 12:30 getting the last leg and his body done.  I tried to embroider his face, but that was a bit of a disaster.  So it got done right before I left for Amber's shower, making us a little late, but that was ok.  Here he is, with the mom-to-be (is?  she has two kids already!):


The shower was pretty fun.  Amber had picked a nice restaurant on the water, Schooner's.  The weather turned out to be beautiful, despite some really heavy rain this morning.  I went to go get the cake at Costco this morning and thought 'd get poured on, but luckily I didn't.  I did get yelled in some Asian language, though.  Seriously, don't go to the Costco off the Nimitz on a Sunday morning.  It's fucking crazy.  I was in line to get the cake and some pizzas for the husbands and kids (who were not at the shower!), and some Asian lady wandered over with her husband and some other family member and almost ran me over.  Then she started talking really loudly in whatever Asian language she spoke and gestured wildly.  Then she looked at me, like I was supposed to get out of line and let her go.  Uh, no lady, your friend there almost hit me with her cart three times.  I'm not moving.  Then they yelled at each other some more, and then they did hit me.  They looked very offended when I said "Excuse me!" and gave them a dirty look.  Then they yelled at each other some more.  What the fuck ever.  I'm not moving for anyone, especially when they're rude like that.

I have no idea what tonight's plan is.  With no deadline hanging over my head (well, except for Giftmas stuff), I may work on Whisper.  I really should just pick up those damn stitches and get it done.  I need to figure out how to undo a cast on edge at some point so I can make the sleeves longer.  But I'm not going to worry about that till the rest of the thing is done.  Tonight is the collar.  That's all.

Nov 27, 2009


Today you get a picture.  It's currently my favorite of me and Justin.  I have no idea why my hair is so red, but it does that...  in some light it looks light brown, sometimes blonde, and others a definite strawberry.  Soon it will have a big ole purple streak.  Maybe I'll do that tonight.


Nov 23, 2009

I am insane

I have the urge to go an organize all my craft stuff.  All my yarn, needles, fabric, fiber, whathaveyou.

No, I am not pregnant.

It came about because I came across the Grumpy the Lump of Coal pattern in the Knitpicks catalog.  I want to make him, and might tonight.  It may be a gift for some kid this year, esp because I have some blackish Lamb's Pride Bulky and some Cascade 220 left from Maddie's hat.  He'd be adorable in both.  I want him because Nessie came out..... hideous.  I'll need to felt him to see if I can even pass him on at the shower this weekend.  I'm hoping he's ok, but if you're thinking about buying the book Amigurumi Knits, think twice.  There's some serious errata in there.

I also have an overwhelming urge to buy more MochiMochiland patterns, just because they're so fucking adorable.  Really, I promise.  I want them all.

What does this have to do with organizing?  I can't find some of my needles.  Or some cables.  I know I have them, I'm just not sure where.  My WIPs is a mess.  I lost two skeins of yarn I bought a week and a half ago somewhere in my house (I think they're on the bookshelf in my craft room).  I don't want to pay Knitpicks $7 to ship me $10 worth of cables.  Although I could use some DPNs.....

Expect coal this Christmas.  Disapproving, grumpy coal.

Nov 20, 2009

In which I don't say much

Amy, I finally got those pics uploaded.  Here they are...

Kay and Em trying on hats in Hilo Hattie's

Scattering the lei into the ocean.  Tradition says you let your lei dry out and either mulch it into your garden or scatter it on the ocean to ensure you'll return to Hawaii.  You never, ever throw it out.

Goodbye flowers....

And another adorable one of Kay.  She's too fucking cute. 

In other news, I got my swap package!  I joined a swap based on Diana Gabaldon's books on Rav, with Voyager as the book chosen for this swap.  It has pirates and skulls and all sorts of fun things.  I got such a great spoiler for this one.  LCBraun did a fantastic job!

In that photo is Chinese looseleaf tea, a small satin jewelry box, purple Knitpicks yarn, some chocolate coins, a litte drawstring bag that has the two skull magnets, a REAL candy skull from El Dia de Los Muertos, made by one of her friends (OMG!!), and the gorgeousness it's all laying on is a Seascape Stole she knitted for me!  She made it scarf length, knowing the weather here isn't really for heavy things.  It's beautiful!  I really need to take better pictures of the scarf, since it was nighttime when I was finally able to open the package ad my dining room isn't the best lighting.

My swap package goes out today, and I can only hope my spoilee likes what I got her as much as I like what Linda did for me.  :D

Nov 17, 2009

That's all folks....

Amy left last night.  Boo.  I'm sad, because I absolutely adore her.  I was really worried before she got here that we wouldn't get along and the entire week would be torture.  I mean, I knew we would be ok because I already liked her through emails, but I was really hoping it would be even better when she got here.  And it was.  She's definitely someone I would have a lot of fun with.  I also got to spend a lot of time with my friends Anne and Kay.  Which made things even better.  :) 

I'm working on ideas to do something like Amy's workshop again this spring, this time with a local artist or crafter.  We just got a raku kiln- maybe something along those lines.  It would also feature our pottery program, which is good.

Now I have a few weeks to relax and do holiday stuff and other things.  My teaching schedule is pretty set for the spring, so I don't need to worry about that.  My classes seem to be going rather well, which makes me happy.  I've gotten really good feedback so far from my students.  Many of them are asking me to do more in-depth classes, too.  That's a good sign, right?  :D  Because of that I've set up a second fan page, one specifically for my classes.  It's here- Dorothy Dean's Craft Classes.  I'll be posting my classes on there and hopefully have some discussion areas where students can come ask questions.  I don't think classes should be a thing where it's "Hey, have a nice life!"  I want to be open to my students to ask after they leave class.  Learning continues even after the class ends.  

What else.....?  I can't think of anything right now.  My brain is fried form the last few weeks.  Now that I have more time I'll definitely try to blog more often. 

Nov 11, 2009

Yay, shave ice!

Yup, that's me. And a remarkably good picture, too. I was tongueing the shave ice, but throttled back when I realized I wasn't with an LSGer, even though she may as well be one.

We're on day 2 of Amy's visit, and so far I'm having a blast. Yesterday was the North Shore trip, where we walked through Haleiwa, looked at ukeleles, ate shave ice at Matsumoto's, looked at turtles, found some LOST locations, and then she had a uke lesson with my friend Michelle. We did a whole lot of talking yesterday and discovered we have a great many things in common. It's almost scary. But good scary.

Today we went to the flea market with Anne. We found some pretty awesome stuff. She got an adorable skirt, had a coconut (and raw coconut meat? NASTY), and found a shirt declaring her haole status. The girls came along with and Em whined her way through. Maddie found a pair of quite blibgy bronze pearl earrings and bought them behind my back (but it was her money, so whatever- I'll try to get a pic of them. Your eyes may bleed). Em got a new sun hat and some rings. Anne and I came up with a plan to make dirt dyed yarn. We headed to Zippy's for lunch, and then over to the Hale Koa to swim, because Amy decided she needed more shave ice. The best place I could think of that sold reasonably priced shave ice down here AND had a beach was the HK. We swam, the girls glommed onto her, and we got a great pic of her in the water. I hope she puts it up soon.

Would you believe I'm not taking pics? She's getting a ton, and I can't find my point and shoot. I love my DSLR, but damn... it's heavy. I'll try to get some tomorrow at knit night.

Nov 10, 2009

Knitty Lady

Tonight I picked up the illustrious Amy Singer from the airport.  She's here to do some workshops at my arts and crafts center.  And holy crap- she is awesome.  I had a feeling I would like her from all the emails we exchanged, but damn, I really like her.  She's funny as hell and very real.  I'm going to be very sad when she leaves.

My friend Anne came with me to the airport, and helped me get Amy set up in billeting.  Someone must have really liked her, because she got a TLF room, which is one of the nicest.  It's like a 1 bedroom apartment.  She has a living room, full kitchen and bath, dishes, and free internet.  For only $41.50/night, which is unheard of here.  :D  After we got her luggage into the room we decided to take her to Safeway so she could stay up a little longer and get some breakfasty things.  She was giggling all the way through, and started the blogging when she saw the pineapples for 59 cents a pound.  It was adorable.  Anne and I made sure she go a good one.

Tomorrow is a trip up to North Shore.  She wants to see as many LOST locations as she can while she's here, and North Shore is definitely the place to do it!  We're also hitting a ukelele place (she plays) and maybe Ted's, if we can make it that far.  My friend Michelle called and offered to take her with to her uke class, which is one thing Amy really wanted to do while she was here.  I'm so happy Michelle remembered!  But she's awesome like that.  She's trying to get me to take lessons.  We'll see.  :)

I have a feeling this is going to be a really fun week.  I'm going to try to get pictures, but I tend to get excited and forget....

Nov 2, 2009


Halloween was a hit here in Dirty P's household. We had a minor costume snafu, but that got sorted out with a trip to Walmart. We went out with our friends Travis and Darcee and their daughter Annika (this was her very first time trick or treating!), Lancia and Elena, and Amy, Cadie and Adam (for a little while- Cadie pooped out quickly). Much candy was collected and a good time was had by all. Best of all were the Bible verses attached to some of the candy. Once I found the first one, the hunt was on. When we found one we read them out like fortune cookies and laughed like loons. Seriously, if people have an issue with Halloween, don't hand out candy. I'm tempted to print out pieces of philosophy and bits from the holy books of the Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and other religions and see what happens.  :D

Halloween wouldn't be complete without pictures so here you go....

The group before we started...

Maddie and Em

Lancia and Elaine

Travis, Darcee and Annika

Oct 31, 2009

I surfed!

I surfed.

More or less.  I fail at paddling.

Justin's friend Sal loves to surf, so he and a few other guys go out pretty often to White Plains.  It's  nice beach- the water's warm and the waves aren't big at all.  He asked if we wanted to go, knowing Justin would never hear the end of it if he got to go surfing before I did.  I've wanted to learn to surf as long as I can remember.

We rented boards from Outdoor Rec yesterday, which was an adventure....  one of them was the longest fucking board I've ever seen.  Seriously, Duke could have surfed this thing.  The other was smaller.  They almost fit in the Forester.  Almost.  We had to bungee the back down.  And we still ended up with a pressure crack in the windshield when we hit a bump too hard. :p  Luckily Sal took the boards in his van this morning.  Hopefully the crack can just be sealed up and we won't have to replace it.

I had to get up at the buttcrack of dawn so we could get out there.  I can see why- the surf was better and there weren't so many people (it got crowded later on).  We got out there just as the sun came up, which was worth it in and of itself.  All the guys started paddling out and I....  well, let's just say I tried.  OMG, paddling is fucking hard!  The guys were doing just fine and seriously outstripped me.  They looked back and waited, I cought up (sort of) then they waited again....  I finally just told them not to wait for me.  There was no way I was making out as far as them.  I eventually made it out about 100-150yds and sat there.  Sal had given us some very brief instructions before we paddled out.  Justin hung out with me for a bit, and I just tried to catch the waves.  I made it up on my knees once or twice, but promptly fell off.  I got smacked in the face with water, rolled over, got water up my nose and feel like I must have swallowed half the damn Pacific.  I have board rash on my knees, inner thighs and the inside of my upper arm (note to self- no more Softop boards!).  I don't know the last time I had so much fun.

Eventually I just plain wore out.  I paddled back to the beach and hung out with Tracy for a while.  Then Justin and the other guys came up and rested.  We switched boards and headed back out.  They all went ahead of me again, so I was on my own trying to figure shit out.  This old Hawaiian dude named Molokai who looked like he's been surfing for like 900 years saw me and paddled over.  He asked my name then told me he'd help me out, since he was teaching his friend.  He held my board and gave me a push and I shot right off the end....  turns out not enough wax on the board.  :p  He handed me a chink, showed me how to wax it and paddled off.  Weird. I almost made it that next time, but my shoulders finally just said, "NO".  So I headed back to shore and rinsed off, watched the guys and and sunbathed.  It was one of the best mornings I've ever had.

Justin had a blast.  He wants to get boards.  I do too.  I can definitely do this pretty regularly.  I just need to work of the paddling part......

Oct 27, 2009

My vacation, told in photos

I am back from vacation. I had a fantastic time, and a longer rundown will be up later this week. For right now, I'll tell it in pictures, and edit to actually say something when I don't have 2 costumes to sew.

Oct 7, 2009

Apparently Twitter is too big a temptation, too. Damn. I like Twitter.

So another crazy dream last night. This time I was back in HS and we were paying homage to one of my music teachers. Interesting, because he died a few months ago. When we were done, we thought he was going to ride off on a badass motorcycle, but he got into a tiny street sweeper instead. The I wandered around campus and ended up in this weird shack that was also supposed to be my HS auditorium with my boyfriend Tim from 10th grade. He didn't talk to me, but then dropped me a note that had his address on it. I turned around to ask him what it was for and he asked me to give it some chick. I got all pissed off and asked what the hell he was thinking asking his old girlfriend to get him a new one. I threw the note back at him and stormed out, which is when I found out I was in a weird little shack. The grounds kind of looked like Hogwarts. :p I walked for a while, then woke up.

FTR, Tim is the only boyfriend I feel really bad about being an asshole to. He didn't deserve it. I found out a few years ago that we had both been duped by a guy who was a friend of ours and who wanted to break us up so he could hook up with me (which happened later that summer). I was a real bitch to Tim in the next two years, and he didn't deserve it. I was his first girlfriend, he was my 3rd, and neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. I expected HS to be like a John Hughes movie. It wasn't, and that pissed me off.

I've finally started packing for the trip. I realized I need a few more things, so I'll head out tonight to get them. Packing should finish tomorrow. I'm really hoping to get everything into one large and one small suitcase, with one carry on each, plus an extra for schoolbooks and stuff. We'll see if it happens.

Oct 6, 2009

I had a mess of crazy dreams again last night. I don't remember most of them, but the one I do remember was... interesting.

I was an adult, but going to my old middle school. I was desperately trying to find something to wear that didn't make me look like a teacher. It was big drama. It was also winter, and everything was covered in snow. I had to walk there, and walk somewhere else, and go to yet another place. I walked a lot in that dream. I know some of my old friends were in it, but I can't remember who. I'm sure there's significance to all of this, but I'm not going to bother to figure it out. I probably had it because I'm headed home in a few days.

I tend to have a lot of dreams about Poughkeepsie and my high school. Most of them take place in the auditorium, which was where I spent most of my time. Marching band, concert band, chorus (yep- I was in chorus for a while- just because I don't sing doesn't mean I can't. I actually have a pleasant contralto voice when I choose to use it), and drama club took up most of my year. Add in free periods and hanging out in there after school and it's a perfect setting for lots of crazy dreams. Most of those usually have band involved in them. I'm never a kid in them, though. I'm almost always an adult, having to go back for some reason. And they usually happen when I'm stressed out by something. They're never pleasant- it's usually a lot of chasing and looking for something. Not fun.

Oct 5, 2009

Hi there. New blog. New start.

I'm abandoning MySpace, I think. Too many memories, too much temptation. I'm not sure if I'll delete my profile or not, but I'm thinking that if I continue to have a reason to go there, the temptation will stay. I don't want that temptation. I don't need it. I need to just let go.

It's really fucking hard, though. I was jonesing so fucking bad earlier to go and do something I swore I wouldn't, shouldn't and don't want to do. I had the racing heart, broke out in a cold sweat, and was shaking. Is that what withdrawal feels like? I've never been addicted to something before- is that what happens?

I didn't do it, though. I thought about it. I knit through it. Then I came here. Why here when I have a perfectly good Wordpress account? Don't know that either. Anonymity, maybe? A need to start something entirely new? I'm not sure. This blog isn't even under my usual username. I'm sure I'll post it on MySpace eventually, just so those who want to follow can. I just need some space, and a way to vent without temptation.